Mental Recovery

I have recovered from my less light day of yesterday.

After going back to my post, I could see how my communication of crying about food could be misunderstood and I feel I need to explain.

My initial frustration came to light when I realized that the focus required to incorporate these new recipes into my life would be difficult to create physically and mentally. You know how it is...you have your top 10 recipes that you know and fall back on when you really don't want to think hard about what to serve. Simply put, my chemo brain does not allow me to think very hard about anything. I find it terribly hard to focus. New things are overwhelming...not fun like they once were. Thus, the initial mental crack.

All I really want to do is provide enjoyment to friends and family. Provide Dick & Eileen the comfort of a home cooked meal to come home to. Entertain with friends and serve delicious cuisine in the comfort of their homes. So, it really doesn't come down to the food. The real story is my acknowledgment that I am not the person I once was and I am not able provide 'my' gift.

I think what put me over the edge yesterday was a woman eavesdropping on my conversation with the store clerk. She heard me explain to the clerk that I was practicing Qigong (http://www.springforestqigong.com/). This woman came out of left field and basically told me I was dancing with the devil because of my meditation and movement of energy. She explained to me that as a Christian, we should never 'dabble' with our energy, as that is completely against Christian belief. She basically told me if I continue to practice Qigong, I am allowing the devil into my temple.

So...it's not food, okay? It's the fact that my body hurts more with each chemotherapy treatment. My brain is turning to mush. The pleasure that I derived from providing appealing and delicious nourishment to friends and family is basically ending. Oh...and I guess I'm becoming a devil worshiper if I choose to continue to practice Eastern medicine.

Some days it all gets to be too much. Yesterday was one of those days. Today I recognize my frustration and now I can learn from it and move on to more positive things...learning new ways to enjoy life.