WEDNESDAY, MAY 30, 2007 09:20 PM, CDT

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was really hoping that I had always had a 'hot spot' on my lung and that this was just an overreaction to the situation.

When I brought that thought up with my new friend, the Thoracic surgeon today, he was already a couple steps ahead of me. He had already referred back to the original CT scan from July and my most recent scan from January. There was no sign of a node or molecular change on either.

This 1/2' growth has popped up within the last six months. I will now be getting another CT tomorrow morning. This will help the surgeon learn the exact size, location and if there are other little cousins hanging around.

I also assumed they would be kind and just take a needle biopsy. Oh no, they want this sucker out and put to rest. Surgery is scheduled for next Thursday.

The thought of them putting me to sleep to collapse my lung and take a chunk out is quite disconcerting.

Once they have removed the growth, they will test it and make a decision from there as to whether I will require chemo again.....YUCK!!!! The assumption it is that it is my rectal cancer making a leap.

Unfortunately, a metastasis pretty much moves me right to Stage IV cancer. I don't want to think too much about that part of this new journey.

Today was certainly a test. The last time I went through this I was young and naive. Being older and wiser can be a pretty scary thing.

When one has made an effort to convince oneself that they are cured and that there isn't even a consideration of remission, just a cure, it's quite devastating.

Thank you for all of your love. I know this time around how much I count on it and need it.