| FRIDAY, JUNE 22, 2007 09:49 AM, CDT |
I've been digging deep. Yesterday I had many light bulb moments. I was getting angry at myself, as I was going through so many emotions. I didn't quite know how to deal with it. Recognition makes for understanding and acceptance.
I feel weak. Vulnerable would be the correct word. I am having to rely on others. That is very difficult, as I am a person that gives and am happiest when I do for others. I am so concerned about how I will repay these 'debts' that I feel are accumulating.
Guilt. Wow...that's a biggy. The burden this beast has brought to the people that I love. I am rocking their world.....but not that kind of 'rockin' their world', if you know what I mean. Personal life plans have been disrupted.
I am angry. This disease is insidious and unrelenting. Last time I didn't question why this was happening. I viewed it as an experience of growth. Well, now I'm questioning, 'why us'?
When I went through this last year, it was somewhat of a new adventure. I was whisked from the emergency room to being admitted into the hospital. Testing and treatments followed with a goal in the end that I thought had been achieved. It taught me I had strong character. It was a great learning experience and a relationship builder. Enough character building, okay?
Fear. My initial cancer brought worry and concern. I thought I was scared. Last years fear doesn't hold a candle to this one.
I don't have all of the answers. I'm still working on that. With mindful recognition, I can now go forward with eyes open. One thing I do know, I'm not living through this challenge alone. I also know that we are all learning, one emotion at a time.