Patience

I am restless!! I sit in what I refer to as my apartment with a cleaning service and pass my time. I once thought having my own little place to escape would be something that would take me away from daily stresses. I realize now that what I once thought were daily stresses are just a part of life that I now miss.

I have four and a half weeks of treatment remaining. Hawthorn Suites is very accommodating, but I miss the bark of my dog, Bert, Dick's nightly back rubs and the young energy Eileen brings to our home.

Cancer Treatment Centers of America is located in Zion, Illinois. It is not a very convenient location. It is located smack dab between Chicago and Milwaukee along Lake Michigan. It helps me appreciate where I live in Minnesota. To get to a mall or a decent restaurant while staying in Zion, it requires at least a half hour drive. This is difficult, as I am accustomed to great food and entertainment ten minutes from home. Here, I think twice just taking off and going out, as it takes energy to get from point A to point B here in Illinois.

Treatments are going well. They are not scheduled until evenings as they have so many patients scheduled each day. Some nights I do not leave the radiation center until 9:00 p.m. This makes evening socializing with friends and family difficult. I return to my room and crawl into bed and sleep any sign of depleted energy away. With that, I am able to wake in the mornings with good energy and the ability to be out in the world. Late mornings find me exercising at the gym CTCA provides for their patients. It is my afternoons that find me stir crazy and looking for things to do.

The staff at CTCA continues to impress me. Their philosophy is that all members of this amazing organization treat all patients the way they would want their mothers treated. I must say, there are some very lucky mothers out there, as the staff shows so much respect for each and every patient.

CTCA takes care of everything from free breakfast, lunch and dinner to limousine service to and from the airport. They provide the feeling of security as they go above and beyond the call. I just learned that my airline tickets to and from home as well as mileage from my driving trips are reimbursed through insurance. CTCA does not want its patients to be concerned about the small details. They take care of that for you.

They can only do so much. Accepting the quiet that faces me on a daily basis is my part of treatment. I am once again learning the next level of patience. Appointments run late. Afternoons are long and lonelines sets in. In the end, I know this will be a small portion of my future and this time away from home will be well worth the sacrifices.

pa⋅tience /ˈpeɪʃəns/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [pey-shuhns]
–noun
quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

Peace and blessings to all of you.

The Results Are In

We have returned from Illinois. We received the results of my latest CT scan yesterday morning. I have good new and I have bad news.

The good news is the recent treatment I received worked. All of the tumors in my right lung have reduced significantly or have been completely obliterated. Dr. Eden is very pleased with the outcome. All of those difficult weeks away from home were indeed worth the hardship.

Now for the bad news. The celebration in the examination room was short lived as Dr. Eden shared with me that they have found new cancer growth in my left lung. It is not very large. It is again in the pleura lining. The report states that it is a tiny growth. Dr. Eden explained it is about the size of a nickle. A single fast growing tumor.

Am I numb? Yes. The thought of cancer migrating to another area frightens the heck out of me and I find myself in a bit of a funk. I was not expecting this newest blow.

On the other hand, we know that the Tomotherapy worked. I just need to go back and get this one new growth blasted. Unfortunately, that means another five weeks away from home, family and friends. Just as I was feeling like a healthy person and living a full life with energy, I have been told that I need to start over again...smack in the middle of the upcoming Holiday season.

I return to Zion this upcoming Monday for treatment measurements and planning. Then I will return Monday, November 10th for five weeks of treatment. Doesn't it seem strange that I need to return for twenty-three treatment sessions for just one tumor when I required twenty-eight sessions for multiple tumors?

When all is said, I believe the news is eighty percent good and twenty percent not so good. On a positive note, we know that the Tomotherapy works and will blast this one trouble maker. As our good friends brought to my attention last evening...imagine what the news would have been like if they told me the cancer had spread and the tomotherapy did not work? All is not bad...just a little piece of disappointment thrown in the mix.

Speaking of our good friends; Sue & Bill's son, Chad, has been in the hospital for close to two weeks now. His body has been ravaged by an aggressive strain of Pneumoccocus. The family has been on quite a roller coaster ride. Chad has been in a chemically induced coma. His body has been having a terrible time fighting this. At one point, all of his organs were shutting down. He has pulled through that...but it will be a long road to recovery.

If you have any extra prayers in you, please send out positive thoughts Chad's direction. He's hovering between life and the dark world of a coma.

We are once again reminded that life should be lived one day at a time. We never know what will be greeting us tomorrow.

Blessings and love to all of you.

Autumn Spelndor

Autumnal colors are gracing our landscape here in Minnesota. We have been taking in the beauty and recognizing this annual gift . This is my favorite time of year. The colors seem to speak to me. In turn I rejoice in their splendor.

We returned home from Illinois one month ago this week. I have been gaining strength daily. Still, some days seem to be more energized than others. I find that I am not as patient with myself as I know I should be. I can hear Dr. Chris saying "Geez, give yourself a break. Your body has been through hell and back." I know this mentally...but I still find I want to live each day more fully.

I joined a fitness club last week. It is too difficult to sit and wait for my energy and strength to return. My hope is that by working out on a regular basis, this will speed up my body's sluggish feel. So...if there are any friends that belong to Lifetime Athletic, please let me know if you are looking for a workout buddy.

Being home is a delight. Dick and I have both been busy working on projects and organization. My house is once again clean after a summer of neglect. Dick's special garage project is making great progress. We both have a new found appreciation for our time together and the simplicities of life.

One thing that I have been doing as a personal treat is spending evenings enjoying a bubble bath with my iPod playing the amazing music of Andrea Bocelli. I have decided I can do such things now. I never allowed myself to enjoy this simple pleasure before. While sitting in the bath I am able to review my day and appreciate all of the wonderful works from above that surround me.

Take the time to enjoy what you view as your own selfish indulgence. Don't wait for 'some day'. Breathe in and acknowledge the special gifts that have been provided to you in this day and every day.

Home Again

There's no place like home....there's no place like home!

We returned from CTCA two weeks ago today. It is hard to believe my last treatment was just two weeks ago. My energy is slowly returning and I am becoming familiar with routines at home.

Looking back, it is rather odd to think I was away eleven out of twelve weeks. I was away from home for what amounts to a season. It was not an easy time for me. At the same time it was an amazing learning experience. I have come to have an even greater appreciation for what is important; family and friends. They helped provide energy and reminded me of the hope that was right around the corner. I also gained appreciation for the more simple things of home. My bed, the familiar and beautiful neighborhood in which I live, restaurants that are not fast food and the snuggle time with my dog, Bert.

When we left Illinois, I made the decision that my last treatment was my last day of cancer. I feel very positive about the treatment outcome. I wake each morning feeling like a 'normal' person. I have shared with Dick that I do not quite know what to do with myself. It is a rather foreign feeling....normal. Give me some time, I will get the hang of it.

I guess what is so strange is that I feel I have a full life in front of me. I am so afraid I am going to fall back into old thoughts and life patterns. My hope is to continue to wake each morning with great appreciation for all of the big and small things that surround me. I also feel I need to do something with what I have learned through this journey. I need to give back, as I have received so much.

Due to the swelling and inflammation in my lung from treatment, we will be returning to CTCA at the end of October for a CT scan. We will learn at that time if we need to proceed with any additional treatment. As I stated above, we all feel very good about my outcome. I will not allow myself to live as if my time here is limited. I have been doing that for far too long.

I want to thank all of the wonderful staff at Cancer Treatment Centers of America for all of their caring and support. A truly empathetic and nurturing environment has been created and instilled with this healing organization.

To all of my caring supporters, thank you for sending your healing thoughts and prayers of high intention. It was all of you that assisted me in greeting each day and having the ability to proceed with a rather difficult treatment experience.

A Dark Hole

Honestly, I do not know how else to begin this entry other than to say it up front and talk about it. I hit the proverbial wall. I wouldn't say I had a breakdown, but I did indeed have an 'episode'. Whatever happened, it took over the strong, upbeat and positive person that has always had the ability to rally.

It has been difficult being away from my family & friends and the comforts of my own home these past months. The short bits of time I have been home, I was fighting pain. The discomfort did not allow me to be fully present and enjoy spending time with family and friends, as I was always distracted.

Poor Dick called me to say good-morning two weeks ago Friday. He was on his way into work and was ready to settle into his day. When he asked me how I was, it was quite apparent that I was not in a good place. Dick and Eileen quickly put themselves on the road to drive down to see me. The hope was that if I were to see the two of them, the spirit that disappeared within me would miraculously reappear. It did not work.

That Sunday afternoon I ended up in Cancer Treatment Centers of America's emergency room. I was convinced I was going to die. I was admitted into the hospital.

The tomotherapy treatments were taking more out of me than I wanted to believe. I recognized, now that I was in the hospital, I had not been sleeping well, nor had I been eating enough to healthily sustain me. My downward spiral had started a couple of weeks back. I kept thinking I could rally...I always do.

Monday was a very busy day. The staff at CTCA were all over it. Not only was my doctor involved, I had visits from nutrition, mental health, mind & body medicine and care management. There was a concern that I might possibly have brain mets. A CT scan was scheduled. CTCA was going to get to the bottom of this and quick.

When all is said and done, I guess you could say my well was empty. My spirit was drying up. Fighting was taking its toll and I had not shared it with anyone.

Dick has stayed and spent the past two weeks with me. He has been tremendous support and has done a phenomenal job of pulling me up out of my hole. He returned home today. It was very difficult to let him go. My mom has arrived in his stead...I continue to be in good hands.

Two weeks later I am a new person. I have renewed energy. With the help of a funny little pill by the name of Marinol, I have an appetite...and a sense of humor. I am sleeping soundly at night and I have great hope.

The CT results show that my brain has not been invaded. Hallelujah! The radiation treatments are going very well. My pain has completely disappeared. Dr. Eden is very impressed with my results thus far and feels we are beating the enemy. I am down to just seven more treatments. My fighting attitude has returned and I am once again a warrior.

Happy to be 49!!!!!

I don't know how it can be that I return to my home town for rest and relaxation during my radiation treatment and all hell breaks loose...but that's what has happened these past few weeks. Details in a minute....

Before I get to that, I want to thank all of you that followed through on Dick's secret plan to wish me a happy 49th birthday. I had no idea he had this rather large plan in motion. I have been overwhelmed with love. The support I received from all of you, if ever questioned, became very apparent during my birthday week. I received so many lovely cards and emails, beautiful floral bouquets and delicious fruit baskets. Normally, I would be embarrassed and rather upset with Dick. Not this time. Leading up to my birthday I had been physically drained and his secret and your gracious follow through was just what the doctor ordered.

I do not know what happened. My sister, Margaret, lives close to CTCA in Zion. She had offered her spare room and asked that I stay with her during the duration of my tomotherapy treatments, which will last about six weeks.

When two sisters are going to spend six weeks together, there is great anticipation of doing fun 'sister' stuff. Shopping, dinner out, craft stores... My first evening in my new home was a Monday. I had received my first radiation treatment earlier in the day. Looking back, I may have pushed myself too hard that evening. As I was settling into my new home, something strange was settling into my body. By Wednesday evening I was down for the count.

The week went on and each day progressively worsened. By Wednesday evening, I was fighting a fever of 103 degrees. I felt as if I had been hit by a MAC truck and left behind for vultures to take me, piece by piece.

When I reached the treatment center Thursday morning, I insisted I meet with my doctor and explain how I had been feeling the past days. As I thought they might be, they were very concerned and started running blood tests and cultures. No radiation for me...not for a few days. Instead, it was decided that my time would be better spent in the infusion center receiving two very strong antibiotics.

As my fever started to level to a normal rate my radiation treatments resumed. With that, I also continued my antibiotic infusions. This made for long and tiring days.

The good news.... Whatever decided to take up residence in my body has decided to move on. The bad news....we have no idea what it was. My thought is my body is starting to rebel and does not like the port I had surgically inserted a year ago. It is a foreign body and my body just might be rejecting it. The time might soon be approaching for another small surgical procedure and have it removed. I do not want to experience that level of illness ever...again. As Margaret has stated several times, she was afraid she was going to walk in the room and find me dead. She is not exaggerating.

I'm back on track. I have been able to proceed with uninterrupted tomotherapy treatments for one week now. With the consistent treatment, the pain in my rib area is quickly subsiding. My level of pain three weeks ago was about a 9 out of 10. I am now living very comfortably at about a two. That is when I choose not to cover the pain with medication. Something good is happening in my lung!!!!

I apologize for not writing sooner and thanking all of you for the memorable birthday. Your participation was truly overwhelming. As I begin this week, I am just now able to relax without pain or concern of illness, and enjoy reading each card and take in the scent of the beautiful bouquets that are filling our home.

I am looking forward to celebrating my 50th with you next year!

Disbelief

Some days I am amazed with what I learn about the cancer treatment world. There are many days I feel completely overwhelmed. Other days I am in disbelief. What I have learned in recent days finds me in the disbelief category.

When I was at Fairview last week, I was basically being forced by the hospital to go with the radiation center that is adjacent to the hospital for my treatment. (There must be a contract between the hospital and this specific radiology group.) I felt like my back was up against the wall and I was made to believe that if I did not go with this specific group of radiation oncologists, I would be making a bad choice in a critical decision. I had mentioned to the doctors that my wishes were to have treatment at CTCA. The response that I received from the group was nothing less than eye rolling and a threatening tone.

During the time in which pen was in hand and a contract to begin treatment was being forced upon me, I felt my entire body respond to the tactics. My blood pressure dropped, my temperature rose and my body was overcome with a physical response. Quite frankly, I felt I was about to code and begged the radiation team to wheel me back to my hospital room for observation.

Looking back, I now realize that something bigger than me was intercepting my care. Once my body had recovered from my subconscious response, I was forced to stand up for my own beliefs the following morning. It was the many angels that have been following me that had knocked me upside the head. They certainly know how to get ones attention when they need to! After experiencing the very strong 'ah ha' moment, I canceled all further treatment with the local radiation team.

When we arrived at CTCA on Friday we were educated on the advanced treatment options they have available. I also learned that CTCA is one of very few TomoTherapy practitioners available. Upon further research, I learned that the group in Minneapolis does not offer the therapy.

If I had not taken the time to recognize what the universe was trying to tell me, I would have begun my treatment back in Minnesota. The treatment would have taken care of my immediate pain, but it would not have helped me long term. The feeling of hope that I am now experiencing would never had occurred.

The part of me that is in disbelief is the fact that there are facilities that are aware of better and more advanced treatment options. Instead of sharing this information with patients in need, these facilities choose to do what is best for their bottom line. Sadly, the more I am learning about this industry, the more I am learning how prevalent these practices are believed and followed.

Lessons learned last week;

1. Follow and listen to ones gut.
2. Ask questions
3. Be your own advocate.

Surely you will run across similar situations during your daily struggles. Take the time to listen to what is best for you. The other guy has his own best interest covered.