I wish there we better news

My surgery has taken place and I have returned to the comforts of my home. I am doing as well as can be expected. There is still a lot of time in bed and very little activity. Right now, I am healing, healing, healing.

The surgery was a success on one part. Unfortunately, it did not do what we hoped we would accomplish when we went into this phase of the journey. The hope was that if we created a colostomy, the doctors would be able to remove the scar tissue and newest tumor from my anal tract. They were both causing me excruciating pain. The goal was to alleviate that pain and provide a fuller life. While they were in there, they planned to remove the balance of my anal tract and rectum. Remove any ability for this damned evil squamous cell to spread.

The morning after my surgery, Dr. Nemer entered my room and explained to me that they basically took a look at the situation and closed me up. They did provide the colostomy to alleviate the pressure that had been building from my colon and then onto the scar tissue. Unfortunately, they found that the tumor had grown much more than they had anticipated. Not only did they find much more tumor in the anal tract, but also found more spreading down through my vagina and spreading with little fingers into the upper part of my right leg. They decided it would be best for me if they did not remove any of the tumor, as they felt if they did not get it all, the cells that were left behind would spin out of control throughout my body. This surgery was much bigger than they ever anticipated.

You can only imagine the disappointment. I did not want to talk about. My dear husband wanted to get on the phone and start working on the next series of surgeries and treatments in this journey. I am so worn out...I just can't do. All I want to do is silently cry inside and heal, heal, heal.

I asked Dr. Nemer what my next set of options would be. He really did not have answers. He suggested blocks to alleviate the pain I continue to endure from the tumors. He did not have the answers as to the cancer that is spreading down into my leg. He stated that eventually I would lose circulation to the area and most likely require amputation of that leg. Once I heard that, I really wanted to just hide and not deal with what had been dealt me. Basically, he had no answers.

Dick has been communicating with our dear, Dr. Chris, at Cancer Treatment Centers of America. I have not been able to pick up the phone and speak with him myself. I know that I will not be able to speak the words that need to be spoken. I know that I will only be able to sob tears....as I am doing now. From what I can tell, from Dick's conversations, CTCA's hope is to be able to completely remove the tumored sites in the pelvic region and then once again provide radiation treatment to the leg area.

I just keep asking for time to heal. I am not a super hero. My body has been through so much. I know that this is a fast growing cancer. I know I need to get on top of this and become involved in the planning of the next step of treatment. I just know that the next step will require more time away from home. More time away from my dear family. More time away from my comforts. At what point does one say enough already?

Generally, I do not ask for speific prayers. At this point, it is very obvious what I need from all of my wonderful supporters. My doctors need vision to see what will assist me in complete healing. My family needs strength to accept what each day brings. Personally, I need the feeling of angels surrounding me, as I feel so alone and lost right now.

Thank you for lifting me through surgery. I was a star patient for all of the nurses and doctors at Fairview Southdale. I know that you were there, providing the support and strength that I needed, expecially those first challenging days.