Disappointment

The trip to Cabo San Lucas was glorious. The home was just as I had remembered from the last visit Dick and I enjoyed. The beautiful weather allowed for daily morning walks and sitting around the pool for hours taking in the healing powers of the sun. Evenings in the hot tub allowed for great conversation...and we never solved the problems of the world. I was blessed to be surrounded by two wonderful, caring and fun loving friends. A very special trip indeed.

Returning from Mexico was a busy time, as it gave me few days to prepare for my upcoming surgery. Knowing one is not going to be able to physically be involved in spring cleaning, digging in my garden and comfortably breathing in the fresh air of the season found me a bit melancholy. With that, the surgery was bringing me great hope in life...my own spring renewal.

This week started with diagnostics at Mayo; blood tests, pulmonary function tests and a final CT scan. Our meeting with doctor Cassivi was scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. I packed my bags, finalized personal paperwork, gave Bert (our super dog) a hug and let him know I would see him in a few weeks. These past days have been very emotional. Leading up to this final appointment was torturous for both Dick and me.

We arrived for our appointment yesterday afternoon. Dr. Grothey saw us first...which I found surprising. This appointment was scheduled with Dr. Cassivi. The first words Dr. Grothey asked were 'how are you feeling?' How am I feeling? I am feeling great. I've been off chemo, enjoyed warm weather with friends...life is great! He asked again. My mind raced. Oh no....please, don't tell me surgery is off!!!!

My suspicion was correct. He explained to me that after further review of my most recent CT scans and the placement of one specific tumor, he felt the surgery would not benefit me. Doctor Cassivi joined in our conversation and was in complete agreement. Basically, what they told me is what I had been told last June. I am inoperable. They could remove some of the tumors. Unfortunately, they would have to leave most of the tumor in my pleaural lining. With that and the risks involved, they felt it was not in my best interest to pursue the surgery.

I was told to enjoy the Spring. Enjoy the feeling of being whole and healthy. Take a break from cancer. Dr. Grothey said he would see me in June and see if there were any trials we might find beneficial. In the end, Dick and I knew they were kindly telling us to go live life and continue with the positive attitude that has carried me through so much.

I know that so many of you have been praying for me. Although not directly involved, I am aware that you have been feeling anxious and concerned about the procedure. So much energy being given. Thank you.

I awoke this morning numb. Tears have been pulling themselves up from deep inside my gut. I've barely spoken a word to Dick. We just sit quietly together not knowing what to say or do.

Give me a few days....this lost feeling will turn around. I already have a plan. Exercise, yoga, meditation and hire a nutritionist to help me figure out how to make food that is good for you taste good. The most important thing I am going to do is wake up each day with a deep appreciation of having the opportunity of doing so.

Things happen for a reason. Although it feels like my life has been pulled out from under me....giving up is just not my thing. Hope, love and the power of prayer. That can't be taken from me.

My need (our need) for your prayers has not ended. Now, more than ever, I will be reaching out to you for your energy. I am always being asked 'what can I do for you'? My answer has not changed....pray, pray, pray.